Grief support after the death of a child
The mission of
The Compassionate Friends is to assist families toward the positive
resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age and to
provide information to help others be supportive.
The Compassionate Friends is a national nonprofit, self-help support
organization that offers friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved
parents, grandparents and siblings. There is no religious affiliation
and there are no membership dues or fees.
The secret of
TCF's success is simple: As seasoned grievers reach out to the newly
bereaved, energy that has been directed inward begins to flow outward
and both are helped to heal. The vision of The Compassionate Friends is
that everyone who needs us will find us and everyone who find us will be
helped.
What is Left?
When a child dies, you ask,
among other questions, what is left? A beautiful, sensitive, intelligent
son has chosen to end his life. What can be left after such a crushing
blow? Others will point out that you have a spouse, other children or
grandchildren, perhaps relatives and friends. They are all left. Perhaps
you have a career that is left. And yet, how meaningless all of those
are to a bereaved parent, to one who is suffering the most devastating
loss of all. So you continue to search for what it is that is left.
You read books on bereavement,
scarcely remembering what you have read; you attend meetings, talk with
others who have suffered a loss like yours. If you are fortunate you
have one or two good friends who, while they cannot fully understand,
are there to love and listen. Perhaps there is a therapist who guides
you in your search for an answer. But for a long while everything you
read or hear has little meaning and certainly cannot provide the answer
to your question.
Or can it? Does all that you
have read and heard and experienced finally come together and answer the
questions of what is left? For me it does. The answer was 13 months in
coming, but how clear it seems now. I am left.That’s it! I am left and I
have been left with the love of Scott. It is a new love, it is
different, more intense, it is undemanding, it need not be reciprocated,
there are no strings attached. I love this love of Scott’s. It warms me
and comforts me. It is a wonderful love, but I cannot keep it. It would
be wrong to do so, this love is too precious to keep to myself. I am
left with love to spare and love to share. It will never run out. He
will always be with me to replenish it. I have found my answer! I am
left to share Scott’s love with you.
Betty Stevens, TCF Baltimore, MD
 “My tears are not a sign of weakness or a lack
of hope or faith. They are symbols of the depth of my loss and,
I am told, a sign that I am recovering.” —Marcia Davis |
Remember
how I laughed, Remember how I loved. Use me as the reason you
embrace life. Not the reason you don't.
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UPCOMING EVENTS
Meetings:
September 13, 2010
October 11, 2010
November 8, 2010
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OUR NEXT MEETING
Monday, August 9,2010
at 7:00 PM,
We will meet at East Jefferson
Hospital, in the Esplanade 2 Room.
New Members Come at 6:45 PM.
The meeting begins
with a short introduction followed by the lighting of our candle
and then reading the Credo. This is followed by reading the
names of our children with birthdays this month. Each member is
invited to introduce themselves and their forever child. We
divide into our smaller sharing groups.
The closing of our meeting
begins by joining hands and forming a circle, remembering our
child and saying their name.
After the closing, please
feel free to visit our resource table and lending library. |
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To Our New Members
Coming to your first meeting is the one of the
hardest thing to do. But, having lost so much, you have nothing
to lose and much to gain. Please keep an open mind, we ask that
you try two to three meetings before deciding if TCF will work
for you or not.
To Our Old Members
We need your wisdom, support and hope. You are the glue that
unites our group. When new parents come to the their first
meeting it is important to see those further done the path that
are surviving, it gives all of us some hope for the future.
Remember what it was like to walk through those doors, there was
someone there to greet you and tell you "you are not
alone." |
WALK TO
REMEMBER
October
2010
Honoring
the memories of our children, siblings, and grandchildren, our chapter
will be holding our annual memorial walk. We hope not only that you will
join us, but that you will also invite your friends and family members
to participate. The walk will start and end at the Children's Memorial
Garden. You will be given a race-style bib to record the names of those
being remembered. Following the walk there will be a lunch of
hotdogs and chili, and soft drinks/water. |
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Candles Light the World
Sunday December 12, 2010 6:30 PM
More information can be found on
Our events page
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Butterfly Wings, Bricks and Lead
When I saw her load of grief, it looked to me to be merely a
light load of butterfly wings, as compared to my full load of
heavy bricks. Then I saw another man, and he seemed to be
carrying a small load of lead. But as I watched her step on the
scales bearing her load of butterfly wings, the scales read "one
ton." When he stepped on the scales with his load of lead, the
scales also read "one ton." I knew my grief-load of bricks would
weigh more, but those scales read for me, "one ton." Our loads
of butterfly wings, lead and bricks weighed exactly the same to
the one carrying that particular load of grief. We bereaved
parents often feel resentment when a non-bereaved person speaks
about our child's death. HOW can THAT PERSON know or even dream
of how I feel or what I am going through? These feelings may be
justified.
But when we begin to feel resentment toward another bereaved
parent—"That child's death was easy compared to my child's
death," "I have suffered more than she/he ever did"—we should
remember that each of our grief-loads weighs two thousand pounds
to the one under it. Compared to Rose Kennedy, who had one child
in a mental institution, and lost one daughter and three sons in
violent deaths, my grief-load begins to look as if it were made
of gossamer soap bubbles, but when I again step on that scale,
it still reads, "one ton.
Our grief-loads may appear to weigh less because we who are
under them have grown stronger through time and grief process
maturation. The load actually weighs no less; it is we who have
grown stronger and can carry it more easily. Sometimes we can
even completely ignore the weight that is still there. Always be
careful in judging another's grief-load. Remember the lead,
butterfly wings and those bricks, and how they all weigh the
same to the one under that load of grief.
Tom Crouthamel ~
TCF, Sarasota, FL |
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"What the caterpillar perceives as the end, to
the butterfly is just the beginning."
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A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed...
We feel lucky to have seen it.
Author Unknown |
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"Mourning is one
of the most profound human experiences that it is possible to have...
The deep capacity to weep for the loss of a loved one and to continue to
treasure the memory of that loss is one of our noblest human traits".--
Shneidman (1980)
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For those of you who are
hurting too deeply, whose pain is too fresh, whose child's death is
still too close to hear me, I'd like to give you the message "Hold
on, hold on tight." Right now for you, there seems to be
little sunshine, little hope and no energy to choose life. So
hang on tight.
And if you know someone who is
struggling just to hang on, reach out to them right now. Loan them
some of your strength, knowing they will loan you some of theirs when
you need it. That's what TCF is all about; helping each other
through the anger, the pain, the emptiness, the silence -- helping each
other rediscover life.
We have to learn to dream new
dreams and hope new hopes, and it is here with the love and support of
our new family of friends that our journey begins.
Author unknown
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Missing You
I just can't believe it...
The sun still rises and sets,
The moon and stars still shine,
The flowers still bloom,
The birds still sing.
I expected a change in everything.
I just can't believe it...
It still gets dark and light,
The ocean still has waves,
The rain still rains,
The wind still blows,
Is it because they do not know?
I just can't believe it...
I thought the world would stop
When in my house
I found an empty chair,
A missing smile.
I thought it would stop
For just a while.
I just can't believe it...
Gretta Viney ~ TCF, Yakima, WA
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THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS